Scorecard

Leverstock Green II v Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI on Sat 01 Aug 2009 at 13:30
Match was Abandoned due to rain

Match report So there I was trying to get some service in The Last Chance saloon when what comes on the jukebox?

Oops, we did it again.

And so it came to pass that, after all was said about our recent fatuous efforts with the bat, nothing was done. As a result, at 3pm GMT on Saturday 1st Aug, the TMs III XI was found (metaphorically) slumped in the middle of Leverstock Green like a common drunk, incapacitated, pants-round-ankles.

70-9.

Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans! Must I once again relive a catalogue of batting ineptitude in print for the benefit (?) of all and sundry? Well yes, as it happens, because this game contained a match-saving last-wicket partnership that deserves to be read about.

Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

I won the toss (again) and stuck US in. What the hell. I thought I'd open and bat all day. Sadly, I was only half right. After a solid start we'd reached 49-1, with just the loss of Book Jnr for 8, pushing the ball with too-firm hands to a man on the drive. Hilton and the Skipper looked sound until...

...Britney arrived. Oops indeed.

Goodbye Skipper (21) and goodbye Hilton Nathanson (14) and goodbye Book Snr (0) and goodbye Kit Hutcheson (0) and goodbye Arjun Chopra (0) and goodbye Pablo Martin (9) and goodbye Stefano Da Re (7) and goodbye Satheesh Kannaiyan (4). We clearly hate long goodbyees. Wipe a tear, Charlie dear, from your eye-ee.

As wicket after wicket tumbled, and with no toys or pram to hand, Vice Captain Charlie hurled his bat in the air in frustration. (He looked quite camp actually, but we won't dwell on that.)

70-9. Charlie simply couldn't believe it had happened again. 'I simply can't believe this has happened again', he said. I couldn't believe it either. 'I can't believe it either', I replied. So off strode one bullish Charles Low to show the bloody batsmen just how bloody easy bloody batting is.

27 overs left, nine wickets down and Sharokh in the middle with you. Charlie, did you somehow know that the pair of you would enjoy such a spectacular last waltz?

Through sensible and patently patient play, Sharokh and Charlie progressed past the hundred mark with ease. And every tick of the scoreboard was accompanied by a bespoke look from Charlie, aimed at those on the boundary who had failed so miserably in their pursuit of those most useful of items in the game of cricket – runs.

I've transcribed for you what I took to be the meaning of just a handful of Charlie's special looks. Enjoy (we didn’t):

A glare after blocking the spinner's attempts to buy his wicket: 'Do you see, you cretins? This is how it's done.'
A glower after flaying the opening bowler for six: 'Come on! Is it so hard, boys?'
A seethe following a straight drive for four: 'Why can't you do this, you lamentable rabble?'
An exasperated squint after playing and missing: 'I shouldn't have to do this. I really shouldn't.'
A wry glance after milking a single from the spinner's man teats: 'This is your job. You horrible shower.'

Sharokh (50no) and Charles (32no) continued to prod and poke, push and pull, dab and drive, nudge and nurdle, bash and, oh you get the picture. They gave the rest of the side a lesson in how to construct a meaningful innings for the team with minimum risk. They also picked up four an over whilst they were doing it and crucially, in terms of the downpour that was to come, made an increasingly disheartened Leverstock Green bowl their full 53 overs.

Without the efforts of this pair, the match would almost certainly have ended in a TM III's defeat. As it was, the rains did eventually bring a premature halt to proceedings with Leverstock Green on 49-2.

Aside: Congratulations to the Leverstock Green tea lady. Not only was she flying solo, she also put on a cracking spread: Gret big 'ome med butties – an' plenty on 'em – a nice birra poak pie, minichur scottish eggs, an' sossidge rowls. Faaabaluss. And cakes in wrappers? Double posh, like.

10 points each then, and we live to fight another day. But how do we solve a problem like our batting? To be fair, Leverstock Green bowled well this week. I only got the odd whiff of pastry in the 17 overs I faced. But still, without patience, application and a sense of responsibility, our batsmen may as well play six-and-out in the back garden.

We entered The Last Chance saloon on the first day of August and there we remain, thanks to Sharokh, Charlie and the weather. Win the last five games and we may be toasting promotion at the end of the season. Bat as we have done for the past few games against high-flying Southgate Compton this saturday, and we'll be minesweeping dregs from old soaks in the nearest Wetherspoons (metaphorically, of course).

P.S. Your J. L. Carr extraordinary cricketer will follow, once I’ve found the book. In the meantime, boys, please take a few minutes to familiarise yourself with our new team tune by copying the weblink below and pasting it into a web browser such as Explorer, Firefox, Safari etc. (Stewie, a weblink starts http: and a browser is where all the pornography appears).

Pay particular attention to the chorus...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

P.P.S. FOUND IT!

Old Wat, a Swaledale sheepdog who, with Mr. Trumper of Harefield, defeated Two Gentlemen of Middlesex in 1827. Scores – Two Gents: 1st inns, 3 (both run out), 2nd innings, 3 (both run out). Mr. Trumper: 1st inns, 3 (and 2 for his dog ), 2nd inns: 2*





Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 9 wickets
0
157
(0.0 overs)		    
Matt Crutchlow Caught  Craft bowled Iqbal 21
Jeremy Book Caught  Evans bowled Iqbal 8
Hilton Nathanson Lbw  Iqbal 14
Pablo Martin Run out  9
Alex Book Caught  Craft bowled Iqbal 0
Kit Hutcheson Run out  0 1
Arjun Chopra Bowled  Iqbal 0
Stefano Da Re Lbw  Iqbal 7 1
Shahrokh Navaee Not Out  50
Satheesh Kannaiyan Lbw  Iqbal 4
Charles Low Not Out  32

Leverstock Green II Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Iqbal18.054175.862.28
Brett17.044400.002.59
Insley6.01900.001.50
Walker9.023300.003.67
Evans3.001700.005.67

Leverstock Green II Batting
Player name Runs
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 2 wickets
0
49 (0.0 overs)
Seggery Caught  S. Da Re bowled S. Navaee 0
Glabscote Caught  K. Hutcheson bowled C. Low 14
Graft Not Out  22
Shinell Not Out  9
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Charles Low8.0219119.002.37
Shahrokh Navaee8.0126126.003.25

  • Umpire :
    Bob Chandler
  • Scorer :