Scorecard

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI v Hemel Hempstead III on Sat 18 Jul 2009 at 13:30
Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club Won by 118 runs

Match report Shark attacks HMS Hemel Hempstead III as Charlie laments the cost of his bitches...

The buoyancy of promotion prospect HMS Hemel Hempstead III was tested to the full last week on a wet Rowley Lane wicket. First up, having agreed not to delay proceedings and allow the pitch to dry out, the captains went out to toss. Drat. Lost it. After some 'serious consideration', and with barely suppressed glee, their skipper inserted me. Hello sailor!

It was tricky early doors. (Seriously guys, you should have so been there.) A sticky wicket, decent bowling, variable bounce, swing and seam movement all conspired to prevent runs being scored at anything like a decent rate of knots. But 53 overs is a long time and on a track like this, all you can do is bat all your overs and see what you end up with.

MC Skips and The World Mike Webb opened up, doing nothing silly, and trying to push a few singles here and there. But eventually the nagging line, length and seam movement of their opening bowler, Majid, netted him a gutted Webby – clean bowled. Mike was quickly followed by James Hutchington, who got another good nut that moved off the pitch and shivered his timbers.

With runs scarce, I was supposed to be feeling the pressure and their downy-faced slip cordon tried to add to the tension with a few verbals. Oh what fine sledging, boys, and delivered without a hint of irony!: 'You are boring, you are'; 'I'm bored of you'; 'Your batting is boring'; 'You are really boring'. After failing to stifle a yawn, I then heard: 'Look lads, he's even boring himself.' At which point, I couldn't help but wish our own Kit Hutcheson were out there, tossing off his esoteric pop-tastic bon mots – 'Hey batsman, take a walk on the wild side'. Something like that would have been nice.

But kids these days, they've got no imagination. It's all, sync yo' Playbox and poke my Facespace. I wonder if there's a game on the Wii where you can make mucky fat and bread? It wouldn't surprise me: Delia's How to Cook Northerners to Death – be the first to kill an entire terrace with animal fat.

You're quite right, I've digressed.

So, the skipper eventually 'holed out' at short gully to the deceptively slow Big Botha, with Nathanson and Book following soon after. Another TM's capsize was on the cards when young Arjun sauntered on deck to smite a much-needed 46, with other useful contributions coming from Stef Da Re, Sharokh 'The Shark' Navaee, Charles Low and Stewart Wernham.

We had managed to post 159 in 52.2 overs and I was very confident we would scuttle the opposition, given our strong bowling attack and the state of the track. But what's that you say, Lassie? Charlie, our talismaniac opening bowler has had to leave the ground to take his dogs home and won't be back in time to bowl his usual 26 overs? Woof. Oh Lassie, that's terrible news.

Luckily, I had the perfect replacement for Charlie in James Hutchingly. Off I went to give James the goods news.

I entered the changing room to find James Hutcherford laid out and groaning loudly. He was either having an erotic dream or suffering a bout of swain flu. Swaddled in TMCC-branded comfort clothing, he assured me croakily that he would be able to open the bowling with Sharokh 'The Shark' Navaee.

As Charlie's land cruiser eventually hoved into view, HMS HH III was already listing badly at 10-3 and he would have to wait to bowl. Meanwhile, The Shark was in a murderous mood, chomping through batsman after batsman in a bid to satiate his carnal wicket lust. Sadly for Sharokh (8.5-0-20-7), the rules of the game require the opposition to send forth 11 batsmen only. So with HMS HH III sunk for 41, this greedy shark was left hungry for more – which I hope he will get this week against Chorleywood. He was most ably supported by a Lemsip-fuelled James Hutcherby (8.0-1-19-3). Is Lemsip banned, by the way? I do hope not.

Aside: there was a crackerdoodledandy of a catch made by Hilton at slip. Big Botha doesn't know how unlucky he is.

I believe the last time Charlie played cricket and didn't bowl, The Brotherhood of Man were number one and the first class of women was inducted at the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis. It was 1976. In Charlie's estimation, his bitches had cost him 'at least seven wickets', whilst The Shark made hay in the late afternoon sun. Interesting image...

Anyway, good bye.

P.S. Oh, and your Carr's cricketer for this week shows us how sledging really should be done:

Tom Emmett, Yorks, b. Halifax, 1841, a mournful-looking man, politely asked of an Australian fielder who had crept in close, if he was wed. He explained that, although he had no compunction about killing him, the death of a husband and father would vex his peace of mind. This kindly man bowled fast, left-arm 'sostenuters' at the leg stump and, in his forty-fifth year, bowled 1,339 overs, taking 132 wickets at 12 runs apiece. Later, when Time's fell hand compelled him to coach public-schoolboys, he would urge them to, 'Smell her, Smell her!' It was the same Emmett who coined that consolling poetic fancy, 'First a wide, then a wicket.'

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Batting
Player Name RunsMB4s6sSRCtStRo
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 10 wickets
0
159
(0.0 overs)		    
Mike Webb Bowled  Majid 10
Matt Crutchlow Caught  Botha 15
James Hutcheson Bowled  Majid 7
Hilton Nathanson Lbw  Botha 12 1
Alex Book Caught  Botha 7
Arjun Chopra Bowled  Khan 46
Ketan Shah Caught  Khan 8
Stefano Da Re Caught  Khan 11
Shahrokh Navaee Lbw  Moulster 17
Charles Low Run out  11
Stewart Wernham Not Out  9 1

Hemel Hempstead III Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Moulster14.0447147.003.36
Khan13.042438.001.85
Botha10.032036.672.00
Reader6.022000.003.33
Carham4.211600.003.69
Khan4.0122211.005.50
Doodson1.00800.008.00

Hemel Hempstead III Batting
Player name Runs
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 10 wickets
0
41 (0.0 overs)
Potton Bowled  S. Navaee 4
Jitah Bowled  S. Navaee 5
Khan Caught  S. Werham bowled J. Hutcheson 0
West Bowled  S. Navaee 7
Reader Bowled  J. Hutcheson 0
Turbs Lbw  S. Navaee 0
Botha Caught  H. Nathanson bowled S. Navaee 6
Moulster Bowled  S. Navaee 0
Carham Lbw  S. Navaee 3
Doodson Lbw  J. Hutcheson 3
Khan Not Out  9

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Shahrokh Navaee8.502072.862.26
James Hutcheson8.011936.332.37

  • Umpire :
    Bob Chandler
  • Scorer :