Scorecard

Welwyn Garden City III v Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI on Sat 11 Jul 2009 at 13:30
Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club Lost by 24 runs

Match report It was a nondescript Saturday lunchtime and, as the TM's III’s convoy pulled into Welwyn Garden City III’s ground, there was not so much as a raised eyebrow.

Gone are the days when we had the opposition on the back foot from the moment Stewie’s Flying Lady thrust her polished breasts through the carpark gates. In fact, since Stewie replaced the Mediterranean Blue ‘Royce with a slinky liddle Jagwar, our arrival at away grounds has been far too understated for my liking.

Granted, Hilton’s motor is nothing to be ashamed of (it's some sort of Aston Martin but he’s usually so late that nobody sees him arrive in it) and Pablo’s got a soft-top BMW. But there was nothing like an eyeful of 80’s Mediterranean Blue Rolls Royce with cream leather interior and a real walnut dash to get the opposition grumbling. And from that moment on, you – meaning we – were in the driving seat, psychologically speaking.

Sadly, these days we’re more likely to be greeted with sniggers, as James Hutcheson-Hutchinson – usually dressed in a tight, day-glow t-shirt and cut-off denims* – extricates himself from his ‘sporty little number’. (Spare a thought for the mobile hairdresser somewhere in Hertfordshire who now has to travel by bus with her tongs and rollers.)

But enough carpark waffle and on with the match report – which is sponsored this week by stationary vehicle management solution specialists NCP.

TM’s won the toss and (groan) stuck ‘em in.

We bowled well early doors and kept the runs – RUN AVOIDANCE! RUN AVOIDANCE! EXTERMINATE! – down. Sorry about that. Charles PavLow has me well trained. So well trained, in fact, that when Tracy asked me what I wanted for my birthday the other night, I had no hesitation in screaming at the top of my lungs: ‘RUN AVOIDANCE! RUN AVOIDANCE! RUN AVOIDANCE!’ Unfortunately, we were in Waitrose at the time. ‘Store Security to Checkout Number 2, please. Store Security to Checkout Number 2...’

Anyway, after 18 overs, with the old classic Charlie (26-8-74-2) still pootling along nicely, Doug Pyrke was beginning to misfire (these newer models just aren’t built to last, I tell thee). So it was time for a part exchange: Doug (9-1-36-0) for James Hutcheson-Hutchinson (5-1-24-2).

JaHuHu (yes, I’ve been reading Heat magazine) duly nipped out their dangerous opening bat followed by their wiry number three. But how?

With randomiser set to full, JaHuHu cunningly bowled just the two decent balls in a beguiling barrage of what we call up north, pop and crisps or mucky fat and bread** bowling. I believe down here you call it buffet bowling but where I come from, you sit on a buffet and wouldn’t dream of sinking into an accommodating poof after a hard day down the flat cap factory.

Aside: Doug performed an excellent run-out at this point in the game.

So, on we toiled, keeping them at under four an over – which, with a short boundary on one side, was thought to be good enough by the management. But, with wickets in hand, there was always a chance they could launch an assault late doors. So, time for wickets. Time, then, for the introduction of the foppish match fees-evader, Stefano Da Re (11.3-2-37-5).

With a loop that Fat Boy Slim would pay serious money for, Stef began his teaslement and confusilation of the batsmen, allowing them, as he did, around 30 seconds of shot-selection time from the release of the ball to said projectile’s arrival at the aforementioned willow-wielders’ ambit of strokeplay. To wit, he bowled very slowly.

Then he stood back and nodded sagely as people got out: bowled around the legs, caught in the deep and another trademark casual caught and bowled. Mid-way through Stef’s spell, as their stocky number seven batsman took guard, Kit announced, apropos of goodness knows what, ‘Come on fellas, this guy’s on a road to nowhere!’

As it happened, the new batsman, seemingly riled by this mild Art Pop-related sledging, did a handbreak turn into Runs Galore Street, parking up outside n.o. 47 and helping WGC III’s to 191 – about 30 runs too many. Again.

Not a fantastic tea was had by TM's III's, I have to say, despite piping-hot sausage rolls and home-made Victoria sponge being made available by the hosts.

So to our batting. A drunken friend of JaHuHu’s called Mark Stein opened and looked the part (although he did have a fast bowler’s backside) until he was out, caught behind. Mark then returned to the dressing room and proceeded sleep through most of the rest of our innings, rousing himself only briefly to have a poo. Alex Book, his opening partner, quickly followed (in being out, that is), leaving the skipper and Pablo Martin to rebuild.

This they did for a long while, both getting into their thirties. But when three wickets fell in quick succession, we were back on the luggage rack. The lower middle order didn’t disturb the scorers too much but we were batting particularly deep (down to number 10), so I wasn’t worried. Indeed, Kriss Waters and Doug Pyrke hauled us back into contention, both with well-made twenties.

When both were caught out pushing for the win, it was time for a rain dance. Sadly, it was capitulation not precipitation that was forthcoming.

With the fall of last wicket, Stef, caught behind, the WGC III’s bandwagon had completed a faultless 30-point turn and sped off down Victory Parade. Unable to keep up, TM III’s engine blew up outside Fanny Adams Cottage, Not Even Close.

Sigh.

Next up, the in-form Hemel Hempstead III’s. They be at our crib, so let’s hope they ain’t pimped their rides.

I’ll leave you, at last, with the following from J. L Carr’s Dictionary...

A. A. Milne, d.1956, the celebrated author, now and then confounded batsmen by delivering balls from behind and over the heads of umpires.

Now that, Stef, is something to think about.

* Yes James, I fabricated the part about the shorts (so to speak). But it’s only a matter of time. And you know it.

** For the younger/more affluent amongst you, mucky fat is the liquid drained from a joint of meat which has been left to solidify in the fridge or on an outside window ledge. Once firm-ish, this is spread onto bread to make a ‘wholesome snack’ for a growing boy. At least, that was how it was sold-in to me when I was a child.


Welwyn Garden City III Batting
Player name Runs
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 10 wickets
0
191 (0.0 overs)
M. Yates Lbw  J. Hutcheson 27
M. Walters Bowled  C. Low 21
A. Emerton Caught  M. Stein bowled J. Hutcheson 21
J. McDonald Run out  (D Pyrke) 0
D. Byford Bowled  S. Da Re 16
T. Edwards Caught  S. Da Re bowled C. Low 21
H. McCue Not Out  47
S. Willis Bowled  S. Da Re 3
P. Woolley Caught  J. Hutcheson bowled S. Da Re 5
D. Mileham Caught  & bowled S. Da Re 3
J. McGill Caught  M. Crutchlow bowled S. Da Re 3

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Charles Low26.0874237.002.85
Doug Pyrke9.013600.004.00
James Hutcheson5.0124212.004.80
Stefano Da Re11.323757.403.22

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 10 wickets
0
167
(0.0 overs)		    
Mark Stein Caught  Mileham 2 1
Alex Book Caught  Mileham 9
Pablo Martin Run out  35
Matt Crutchlow Caught  McGill 32 1
James Hutcheson Lbw  McGill 0 1
Kit Hutcheson Caught  McCue 10
Ketan Shah Lbw  McCue 1
Kristian Waters Caught  Woolley 28
Doug Pyrke Caught  Woolley 24 1
Stefano Da Re Caught  Milham 5 2
Charles Low Not Out  4

Welwyn Garden City III Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Mileham15.1261320.334.02
Woolley11.0332216.002.91
McCue11.0138219.003.45
McGill10.0228214.002.80

  • Umpire :
    Bob Chandler
  • Scorer :