Scorecard

Flitwick II v Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI on Sat 27 Jun 2009 at 13:30
Match was Drawn

Match report As Hilton Nathanson said during the death throes of last week's fixture: 'This was one of the dullest games of cricket ever.'

Now there's an invitation to read on, if ever there was one.

But if you're still with me, here goes...

Toss won again (is this becoming a curse?) and in went the home side, Flitwick II's.

In hindsight, this was an error of judgment by the skipper who, without local knowledge, had decided the green-ish, damp-ish track would do something early doors and dry out nicely to bat on. Sadly, the opposite was the case. But on with the tale.

We opened with ever-ready, ever-steady Tony Alderton and a pip-less Sergeant Graves, who kept things tidy early doors, with the added bonus of two early wickets.

There then followed a period of Reconstruction from Flitwick, which was not half as interesting as an A-Level history lesson covering the immediate post-Civil War period in late 19th Century America.

Any road, with the help of judicious field-placing from Tony, and a nice low catch from Kit, Jeremy got rid of their hefty number four, who was doing a fair bit of the Reconstruction work.

At this point, Tony 'popped his bum muscle'. I had previously warned Tony about breakdancing on the damp outfield without linoleum, but he wouldn't listen. He’s at that awkward age (early sixties). How the Flitwick batsmen phew-ed when they were relieved of Tony's nagging line and length. How they then played and missed as young Ollie Ridout delivered his left-arm pace with verve and accuracy. Indeed, he sent down a great many deliveries that were, sadly, just too good for their middle order.

(I’ll gloss over the next ten-over spell where Flitwick scored at 8 runs per six balls, but it is worth noting that this period, perhaps, cost us the game.)

After a much-needed second drinks break, a smart slip catch from James Hutcheson’s moobs off Ollie and another lightening stumping from Stewart Wernham off Serge Graves put us right back in the frame. And with Stefano Da Re and James Hutcheson bowling well to clear up the tail, we faced a reasonable run chase of 201 to win off 50 overs.

In hindsight, again, an earlier bowling change might have seen us through their mediocre tail far quicker. But the torments dredged up in hindsight, if dwelt upon, can break a man.

Here's one example, which has haunted me for almost 20 years:

The setting is Barbados, 1990, and an eighteen-year-old Yours Truly has just watched England lose dramatically in the final Test Match at Bridgetown. After the game, I take a football onto the beach to enjoy the last of the evening sun. Some minutes pass before I am approached by two rather comely and (get this, Tony) very busty American girls in g-strings (not common in those days, don’t forget). They have with them an enormous, playful hound.

The comeliest of the pair, the one in the black thong (Oh the agony of it, even after all these years), says to me, 'Hi there. I think our dog wants to make friends with you. Can he play with your ball?' The second girl (pink thong) pipes up with 'Oh go on, pleeeeease!'

And what did I reply?

I said, 'I don' t think so. Your dog is too big and might burst my ball.'

Oh dear.

The two crestfallen (go on, please let me have that) beauties simply shrugged and wiggled off down the beach, taking with them their magnificent hips and bosoms and their thoroughly bronzed buttocks.

In hindsight, I wish I had said something else. Anything else. But, as I said, hindsight is a wicked thing.

I must point out right here and now that my office has no air-conditioning, so I am delirious and will not be held accountable for anything that is libelous, sexist, or any other kind of -ist in this match report.

Oh, that's right, I was in the middle of a match report.

So, back to the game at Flitwick and after a tea break – which resulted in Stefano Da Re having a bit of an upchuck – we began the chase.

Now, I was out there from the start and it was doing a fair bit. I have the bruised testicles to prove it. And the pitch, which was providing an awful lot of help for their seamers, played a large part or our undoing:

Will Hughes played on a ball that cut back significantly; Hilton Nathanson edged one down leg-side that got big on him (pint of Stella for that please, Hilts); and Alex Book drove one that stopped on him straight to mid-off (another Stella please).

Meanwhile, at the other end, Yours Truly offered up chance after chance, all of which the opposition put down.

Were they taunting me? Or, after I had taken such a battering from their opening bowler, were they acknowledging and rewarding my bravery? I felt like the Stanley Baker character in Zulu. In the end, I had to conclude that they were simply rubbish at catching.

After Alex perished, James Hutcheson arrived at the crease looking in good nick.

So I ran him out.

This didn't help matters. And when Kit Hitcheson was bowled by one that bit and turned square (I'm in danger of getting drunk here) we were in deep trouble.

Next up, Jeremy Graves, who succumbed to over-eagerness – setting off for a run as the ball trickled off his pad into the waiting gloves of the 'keeper. Another run out.

Did I mention that we weren't scoring quickly enough either? This is almost inevitable when you lose wickets with such regularity and we were now only in with a slim chance, at best. Still, with Stef coming in at number eight, all was not lost. It was two overs later when, after running three consecutive twos (it was very hot) the skipper was stumped in the 37th over with around 80 needed to win.

Once Stewie fell, caught, we were in danger of losing for only the second time this season and the draw wasn't much better – giving us only six points.

But six points is better than nothing, so step forward Ollie Ridout and Tony 'Don't worry about me skip, I'll bat all day' Alderton, who saw off the remaining overs with embarrassing alacrity, given the travails of the top order.

I'll finish with a tea-break quote from Alex, who declared: 'The only way we don't win this game is if we lose it.'

So a draw it was.

How we could have done with a smidgen of Tom Walker's grit in the top six...

Tom Walker, Hambledon, c.1770, ‘Old Everlasting’, once faced the dreaded Harris for 170 balls while making one run. It was said that his skin was like the rind of an ancient oak and, though frequently split, never let blood. Nevertheless, his grunts, like a broken-winded horse, caused great distress among spectators.

Flitwick II Batting
Player name Runs
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 10 wickets
0
201 (0.0 overs)
B. Butler Bowled  T. Alderton 0
A. Summerfield Stumped  S. Da Re 84
P. Thurstance Caught  S. Wernham bowled J. Graves 7
M.Tate Caught  K. Hutcheson bowled J. Graves 23
D. Moss Stumped  J. Graves 14
D. Moxon Caught  J. Hutcheson bowled O. Ridout 15
M Arnull Caught  & bowled S. Da Re 26
L. Peters Stumped  J. Hutcheson 1
C. Matthews Bowled  J. Hutcheson 2
B. Barrilay Caught  S. Wernham bowled S. Da Re 0
R. Bailey Not Out  0

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Jeremy Graves19.0277325.674.05
Tony Alderton12.0235135.002.92
Oliver Ridout7.0032132.004.57
Stefano Da Re6.012137.003.50
James Hutcheson6.2122211.003.47

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 3rd XI Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
extras
TOTAL :
 
for 9 wickets
0
142
(0.0 overs)		    
Matt Crutchlow Stumped  80
Will Hughes Bowled  5
Hilton Nathanson Caught  5
Alex Book Caught  0
James Hutcheson Run out  2 1
Kit Hutcheson Bowled  6 1
Jeremy Graves Run out  16
Stefano Da Re Bowled  7 1
Stewart Wernham Caught  5 2 3
Oliver Ridout Not Out  8
Tony Alderton Not Out  0

Flitwick II Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.

  • Umpire :
    Bob Chandler
  • Scorer :
    Team