Scorecard

Welwyn Garden City v Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI on Sun 30 May 2010 at 1:00pm
Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club Won By 10 Wickets

Match report Flora Robson, Frederick Forsyth, Nick Faldo, Lisa Snowdon, Alesha Dixon, David James – we have beaten them all! Rupert Grint, can you hear me? Your boys took one hell of a beating!

Football* fans amongst you will be familiar with the source of inspiration for the title of this match report. It is the conclusion to Bjørge Lillelien’s oft-parodied commentary on Norway's unlikely 2-1 victory over England in a World Cup qualifier, in Oslo, on the 9th of September 1981.

Lillelien was a man after my own heart, once declaring, "We shouldn't necessarily make a boring radio program even if it is a boring football match." And so, channelling his spirit, I bring you entertaining news of a monster sporting upset that occurred rather closer to home, almost 30 years later, on the 30th May, 2010, in Welwyn Garden City.

The local rag is usually a good indicator of how much a sporting defeat has hurt. And judging by this report in the Welwyn Hatfield Times, it will take an awful lot of Savlon to get over the spanking WGC received at the hands of an experience-enhanced (NOT UNDER-STRENGTH, BY ANY MEANS) TMs 1st XI:

http://www.whtimes.co.uk/sport/welwyn_garden_city_knocked_out_of_county_cup_1_382183

But from this perfunctory and rather graceless account one might reasonably assume that the game passed without incident, and this will not do at all. No, no, no. So here’s what actually happened. Ish.

I don’t know who won the toss but we definitely fielded first, which means WGC batted first. So far, so factual.

After a rather good start for us – Le Fort and O’Brien removing an opener each on the cheap – their number three, A Nolan, arrived on the scene. I’m not sure which Nolan it was. Maybe Bernie? Is she the one that was married to Shane Ritchie? Whatever, this Nolan was most certainly in the mood for dancing – wait for it – dancing down the track and biffing balls to all corners of the ground. Not pretty but pretty effective. And after just six overs of Nolan’s swiping, WGC were looking good on 72-2.

With Le Fort having taken some tap early doors, skipper Shaun O’Brien turned to TM’s resident power station and Kraftwerk devotee, Steve Lyall, to apply the breaks to WGC’s runaway innings. The self-styled Man-Machine was quick to put the cones out on Nolan’s autobahn and the runs dried up ruckzuck.

Steve was the model of penuriousness, getting through 10 overs of Krautswing bowling for just 26 runs. Das is sehr gut, Man-Machine. Und Steve also affected a rather wonderful run out, guiding the ball onto the stumps in his follow-through to leave the non-striking Chris Grant stranded. As the Welwyn Hatfield Times points out, Grant was unlucky to come up against such a quick-thinking and skilful opponent (lucky my arsch).

Having reined in WGC with some tight bowling, it felt like the right time for the Wellington Bomber to take to the air. And so Stephen Murdoch made five passes of the ground, dropping his small, off-cutting, red-leather bombs with a fair degree of accuracy and inflicted the following damage on WGC: 5-2-8-4. Le Fort came back to claim a couple at the other end and, assisted by a great fielding display, we managed to bowl our opponents out for just 185.

Then we batted and by Christ was it boring. For the fielding side.

In stark contrast to the early overs of WGC’s innings, TMs openers, Le Fort and Murdoch, struck not a single ball in the air. Had my old batting coach, Geoff Boyscock, been there to witness the pair go about their work, he might have said something along the lines of: “Tek ‘eed, lad. Thems proper cricket shots, on t’bloody ground and in t’bloody V.” Geoff said what he liked and liked what he said, as the saying, which Geoff did like saying, goes.

Any road up, Le Fort (103 n.o.) and Murdoch (74 n.o.) batted superbly. As the innings progressed, WGC resorted to lobbing party food at them but these two batsmen were not to be tempted, dispatching scotch egg after sausage roll to the boundary with alacrity and verve.

The result, for those of who you started reading this report here, instead of at the beginning, was a 10-wicket victory for Totteridge MillHillionaires and a huge cup upset to boot. What a day!

Le Fort celebrated his ton by going out with Shaun – no doubt for a small glass of Reisling and an avocado salad – and Stephen Murdoch, having taken everything in his stride thus far on the day, decided to risk life and limb by travelling back to the club in the death trap that Stewart Wernham calls his ‘jalopy’.

Amazingly, the 'jalopy' beat The Man-Machine’s sporty Mercedes back to the ‘Ridge – so quite a day for upsets, on the whole. Actually, there was one more upset, when I got home from Chris Benn's birthday drinks but we'll leave that for another time. I'm still applying the Savlon.

P.S. It's always nice to have a bit of support and, having turned out in force to watch saturday's washout, Ollie Ormond and the boys deserve a special mention for managing to stay lashed to the Magner's mast from saturday morning until the end of this great victory on sunday evening. Augmenting the ever-present David Smith and Robert Harley, the lads were well-behaved if slightly wobbly after a(nother) full day of drinking games. With apple-enhanced optimism, Ollie promised to swell the supporter ranks to 12 for the next home game and they will, no doubt, be welcomed with open arms by Mo and Peter at the TMs bar. Get the Magner's in Mo!

* Known amongst some Old Millhillians Eton Fives players as Kevball.



Welwyn Garden City Batting
185 for 10
Player name Runs
M James Caught  (Sandhu) Bowled Le Fort 3
M Hill Caught  (Le Fort) Bowled O'Brien 1
A Nolan Bowled  Murdoch 88
J Mehta Caught  (Chopra) Bowled O'Brien 10
C Grant Run out  ( S Lyall) 4
P Barker Bowled  Murdoch 30
R Hodge Caught  & Bowled Le Fort 2
D Byford Bowled  Murdoch 1
D Lynch Caught  (Wernham) Bowled Le Fort 9
I Fitzgerald Bowled  Murdoch 0
S Greenhall Not Out  0

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Shaun O'Brien7.0134217.004.86
Justin Le Fort6.4137312.335.55
Steve Lyall10.002600.002.60
Gary Wilson10.004900.004.90
Tony Alderton2.001600.008.00
Stephen Murdoch5.02842.001.60

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Batting
187 for 0
Player Name RunsCatchesStumpingsRun outs
Justin Le Fort Not Out  103 2
Stephen Murdoch Not Out  74
Shaun O'Brien  
Gary Wilson  
Matt Crutchlow  
Peter Leslie  
Arjun Chopra   1
Sonny Sandhu   1
Stewart Wernham   1
Steve Lyall   1
Tony Alderton  

Welwyn Garden City Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.

  • Umpire :
    R Shah
  • Scorer :
    tbc