Scorecard

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI v Radlett II on Sat 12 Jun 2010 at 12:30pm
Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club Lost by 40 runs

Match report TMs’ Nice Dream turns to Monster Mash...

Once again, the build up to the game was less than impeccable for TMs 1st II. Barring a couple of stragglers, we were eventually in a position to undertake a warm-up around 40 minutes after the arranged time – and some 50 minutes after the away team, Radlett, began theirs.

By now, captain Shaun O’Brien had won the toss and invited the opposition to bat. Then, as per our ghoulish run-avoidance plan, we began to slowly strangle the life out of them.

Things were going well on the strangling front as both Radlett openers struggled to deal with the pitch (lest you not know: the Radlett pitch is a road, whilst ours is more like a public right-of-way).

Shaun made the initial breakthrough, having opener, Gwilym Jones, caught behind. With the batsman loath to depart, Shaun, in the midst of his passionate strangling, encouraged Gwilym on his way with a rather choice phrase. It’s not quite 9pm as I write this, so you’ll have to use your imagination on the actual wording. Meanwhile, at the other end, the incredibly polite Hassan Mahmood was once again bowling well, ridding us of their other opener, Nick Fielden, cleaned bowled. And indeed the next four wickets fell to these two bolwers – O’Brien and Mahmood – with very few runs having been added to the score.

And so, with the score at 48-5, what now for top-of-the-table Radlett?

Well, as it happens, they had a rather bold – and ethically questionable – plan. Attaching jump leads to the microwave oven in our clubhouse kitchen, the Radlett skipper managed to pass a huge burst of electricity through the neckbolts of their monstrous Tyke, Lee ‘Rigor’ Fortis.

The result was staggering and as their skipper shrank back from his creation, he seemed more than a little afeared. “I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart", he quivered. Poor old Lee Fortis.

As I say, the result (Fortis) was indeed staggering – staggering around the club car park, gleefully crushing vehicles, hurling dogs into the trees and smashing anything that appeared within the ambit of his wrecking-ball fists and size 23 feet. He was having a James Whale of time.

Something had to be done and quickly. Thankfully, their skipper had a large tub of crab paste (Lee's favourite) to hand. And so, after a quick run-down of the rules of cricket, the newly-becalmed Rigor Fortis lumbered to the wicket wearing an affable gurn and smelling worse than a Grimsby trawlerman.

Big Rigor announced his arrival at the crease by dropping a bon mot in such flat Yorkshire vowels that it was rendered unintelligible to most. I, however, once accidentally watched 10 minutes of an episode of Heartbeat, so I understand a bit of the Tyke vernacular and I believe Fortis said something like: “Tetlee-mek-um-teebag-mek-um-tee.”

He then dropped an enormous fart and went about his business taking guard.

Fortis had a cracking time as he gamely clubbed the ball about the field with childlike enthusiasm (albeit a 6’ 11” child weighing around 24 stones) whilst dipping his formidable cob-end wantonly in the lucky soup. That is to say, a couple of his wild swipes went to hand – and then, sadly, to ground.

Had either catch been held, Radlett C.C. 2nd II would probably have been all out for around 100, maybe les. But as it was, the Dewsbury Prometheus enjoyed the rub of the green and continued to chunter incomprehensible rumblings, which, I assumed, were his way of trying to interact with the humans on the field.

Although his attempts to communicate with us didn’t quite work out, the monstrous Tyke did manage to score an unsightly but crucial 42 n.o. – giving Radlett something to defend. The other notable contribution with the bat came from ‘Silent’ Deon Carolus, the only man playing for Radlett who isn’t in love with the sound of his own voice. He chipped in with a quick-fire 20.

So, Radlett 146 all out; 147 to win. Easy, you might think.

But this being a home game, nobody in our side was taking the modest ask for granted. The pitch was slow and low and was beginning to dry out, which meant the potential for spin.

From the first ball it was apparent that this would be no easy run-chase. It certainly got a lot harder when Sonny ‘Garage Grub’ Sandhu was clean bowled by Silent Deon in the 3rd over. Soon after, Stephen Murdoch was trapped LBW by the oldest in-swinger in town, Stuart ‘Brown Dog’ Browne, and we were up against it (I’m not sure what ‘it’ was, but it smelled a bit fishy).

Things went from bad to worse when Shaun O’Brien was caught off Silent Deon and Matt Crutchlow was clean bowled going back (GOING BACK? AT THE ‘RIDGE?) to a short one that kept low (KEPT LOW? AT THE ‘RIDGE?). The very next ball, Pasha Ali was clean bowled by the same bowler, Barry Crocker, who was having anything but a shocker and soon after, Gregg Cruder dollied up a catch, trying to sweep against the spin of Haydn Smith.

Throughout the game, Rigor Fortis continued with his lowing but I only manage to catch and notate the one utterance from my position on the boundary (again, it’s a rough phonetic translation): “Op-thee-dunt-mind-me-chelping-ye-cack-anded-get-ell-fire-av-marked-me-kegs-wit-tigerstripes-oooooh-crabpaste.”

Watching this debacle from the other end, Justin Le Fort looked less than impressed as he calmly moved into the 40’s. He eventually found an able partner in Vishal Bhimjiyani, who included some lusty blows in his portfolio of 26 runs. But when Justin was trapped (LBW) in the jaws of the Brown Dog, things looked grim.

Sanjay Patel came and went – another victim of the rabid Brown Hound of Swing – and Hassan Mahmood was then cleaned out by Silent Deon, with very little fuss made by either of the polite parties involved. In the end, the end came with a whimper. Vishal top edged a pull to give a caught and bowled to Silent Deon, who finished with the envious figures of: 12.1-3-24-4.

Magnanimous in defeat, we shook hands with the victorious opposition and Lee ‘Rigor’ Fortis made one final effort at appropriate communication. Unfortunately it backfired, coming across as rude, with some of his own teammates telling him to shut up. Not be deterred, this colossal simpleton bellowed one final, bestial coda as he left the field: ”Once-ah-gets-gowin-thus-no-stoppin-us!”

I hope his wife keeps plenty of crab paste in the fridge.



Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Batting
106 for 10

Radlett II Bowling

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No records to display.

Radlett II Batting
146 for 10
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Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.

  • Umpire :
    Panel
  • Scorer :
    TBC