Scorecard

Berkhamsted v Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI on Sat 05 Jun 2010 at 12:30pm
Match was Drawn 19 points

Match report The Stupendous Jannoway unveils his Marvellous Boundary-Making Machine...

Saturday, June 5th, 2010. It was a bright summer’s morning and as we drove through the affluent Market Town of Berkhamsted, the skipper and I were delighted to find the place flush with the sights and sounds of country life. In every tree, birds were tweeting. Down by the stream, an otter interrupted its cute antics to poke a passing watervole on Facebook. And up on the high street, the butcher’s dog was downloading saucy photos of a Basque Shepherd from www.youbitches.com

Isn’t it wonnerful how Mother Nature adapts?

Anyway, back to cricket. TMs made it to the Berkhamsted ground in time for a thorough warm up, which was good, because having ‘seven paid players in the team’* meant we needed to appear slightly more than semi-professional.

Amateur tossing skills from skipper Shaun O’Brien meant we were invited to bowl by the opposition. As it happens, he would have chosen to do so anyway and early inroads were made thanks to good bowling from Hassan Mahmood and O’Brien, plus the magic hands of Gary ‘The Piece’** Wilson.

First up, Gal took a tremendous diving catch above his head to dismiss opener Gareth Parker-Jones for a duck. He then performed a more straightforward pouching to send fellow opening bat, Jack Kilgannon, back to the pavilion. The departure of Kilgannon meant only one thing:

SHOWTIME!

There was a puff of smoke and, as if by magic, The Stupendous Jannoway appeared at the crease. A hush descended on the ground as the impresario invited the TMs bowlers to test their manhood against the latest incarnation of his Marvellous Boundary-Making Machine.

With female spectators peeking from behind their fans, TSJ slowly drew back his lambswool cape to reveal this amazing invention, which looked to me – admittedly a novice in such matters – like an ordinary cricket bat. As the gasps from the crowd eventually subsided, the first to step forward and test his mettle was Shaun O’Brien.

THWACK. A full-length ball was dispatched to the boundary by The Machine. Quoth TSJ, “Pitch it not there, you northern monkey. My Marvellous Boundary-Making Machine thrives on the full-length ball.”

“Grrr...” replied Shaun, before sprinting in again.

SMACK. This time, a ball slightly short of a length disappeared into the undergrowth beyond the boundary rope. “Tsk,” chided TSJ, “Neither there will you prosper against such a mechanical marvel as this.”

After a few more of his deliveries had been dispatched to the boundary, Shaun took his own lambswool cape from the umpire and retired from the fray. But not before proffering TSJ a tumbler of his home-made (and rather potent) ‘Be Thou Quiet Elixir’ – along with some strongly-worded advice on where TSJ might stow the patent for his Marvellous Boundary-Making Machine to protect it from harsh sunlight. I believe the suggested location was somewhere north of Woolwich Arsenal.

While all this razzle-dazzle was going on at the one end, at the other, Hassan Mahmood was bowling with art and guile. He beat the bat on a number of occasions (let’s say nine) in his first spell before skittling their number three, James Stedman. Sadly for us, this brought The Stupendous Jannoway’s faithful assistant, Mr. Herring, to the middle. This portly little fellow batted with unstylish tenacity, and the partnership between these two old friends was a long and fruitful one.

Eventually, the red – nay puce – Herring was winkled out by Justin Le Fort and the separation from his batman proved too much for The Stupendous Jannoway. His Marvellous Boundary-Making Machine, which was now billowing smoke, seized up completely as he tried to hammer spinner, Sanjay Patel, through midwicket. A routine catch from Le Fort saw the great entertainer take his bow.

Right, we’re through this lot now, we all thought.

But it was not to be the case as number nine, David Smith, came in and did some proper wicked biffing. After playing and missing at a number (let’s say, conservatively, 12) of Le Fort deliveries, he got to the other end and launched the ball time and time again to where the fielders were not. Smith made a brisk 42 and, despite fantastic efforts from Le Fort (8-1-22-2), Mahmood (12-1-50-4), and a resurgent O’Brien (15-2-72-2), helped Berkhamsted bat their full quota of 53 overs.

And so to tea where, with The Stupendous Jannoway looking well-spent, the question on our collective lips was: would he be up to the task of wielding his Most-Highly-Accurate Sling-Shot Bowling Contraption to full effect in the second innings?

Sadly for the madding Berkhamsted crowd, the answer was all too apparent. TSJ looked cream-crackered.

However, as fortune would have it, Berkhamsted’s other opening bowler, Mike Burns, was fresh off the boat from the colony of Newland Zea and full of associated aggression therefrom.
Accompanied by the very slow medium-pace of Mr. Herring (appropriately, also a purveyor of tedious baiting) Burnsy set about the task of reining-in two top-drawer players – namely Gary ‘The Piece’ Wilson and Stephen ‘The Wellington Bomber’ Murdoch.

These two players had come together after a fatigued Le Fort missed a straight one (claiming he could barely see the bowler, never mind the ball, the poor darling) and treated everyone at the ground to an exquisite exhibition of batcraft. Even the partisan spectators loved it.

The picks of Murdoch’s innings were, perhaps, the two consecutive sixes over midwicket off Kilgannon, although he played wonderfully to all corners of the ground. ‘The Piece’ Wilson played as one would expect from someone of his calibre – even unpacking his reverse sweep a couple of times, much to the consternation of his captain.

With these two at the crease, progress in achieving the (slightly rude) ask of 274 from 47 overs was looking smooth, like a pane of glass. But our rose-tinted glazing was soon shattered. Both Wilson and Murdoch fell in swift succession, leaving Shaun O’Brien and Sonny Sandhu to try and keep up with a soaring runrate. Could they do it?

Oh balls, I’ve reached my 1000 word limit. I believe they call this a vacuum ending in the music business.

* This inaccurate accusation, jibe, sledge – call it what you will – was made late on in the game by one of their players once, of course, momentum had swung back their way. He was a tall man whom I don’t remember batting or bowling, so he really is epitome of the ‘club man’ he so admires. Step forward and kiss the badge, Mr X.

** Please ask Shaun O’Brien or James Hutcheson for further information concerning this nickname.

Berkhamsted Batting
273 for 9
Player name Runs
J Kilcannon Caught  (Wilson) Bowled O'Brien 0
G Parker-Jones Caught  (Wilson) Bowled Mahmood 1
J Stedman Bowled  Mahmood 22
O Janaway Caught  (Le Fort) Bowled Patel 86
M Herring Caught  (O'Brien) Bowled Le Fort 65
M Burns Caught  (Crutchlow) Bowled O'Brien 16
S Hardy Caught  (Sandhu) Bowled Le Fort 4
N Seagrave Caught  (Le Fort) Bowled Mahmood 18
D Smith Bowled  Mahmood 42
J O'Neil Not Out  10
S Smith Not Out  2

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Hassan Mahmood12.0150412.504.17
Shaun O'Brien15.0272236.004.80
Steve Lyall9.006100.006.78
Stephen Murdoch4.002700.006.75
Sanjay Patel5.0035135.007.00
Justin Le Fort8.0122211.002.75

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Batting
254 for 6
Player Name RunsCatchesStumpingsRun outs
Justin Le Fort Bowled  Janaway 5 2
Stephen Murdoch Caught  (O'Neil) Bowled Burns 102
Gary Wilson Bowled  Burns 82 2
Shaun O'Brien Caught  Bowled Herring 8 1
Sonny Sandhu Not Out  31 1
Matt Crutchlow Lbw  Bowled Herring 2 1
Sanjay Patel Caught  (Kilcannon) Bowled Burns 15
Hassan Mahmood Not Out  0
Rob McDougall  
Stewart Wernham  
Steve Lyall  

Berkhamsted Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
M Burns16.0068322.674.25
O Janaway12.0079179.006.58
M Herring16.0073236.504.56
J Kilcannon3.003100.0010.33

  • Umpire :
    Panel
  • Scorer :
    tbc