Scorecard

Hertford v Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI on Sat 22 May 2010 at 12:30pm
Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club Lost by 6 wickets

Match report MAYDAY... (the 21st, to be precise)... MAYDAY... Wellington Bomber goes down

CHAPTER 1: Always check on the runway for ducks...

So there we were, gathered at Hertford C.C. to watch Skipper Shaun O’Brien win the toss and, in a positive move that had nothing to do with late arrivals, decide to bat. He was in a jovial pre-match mood: “No dramas, like. Murdo gets another big hundred not out, we chip in with 10-20 each, and we’ve got it in the bag. That’s how we roll.”*

One of our number, in particular, was hoping that Shaun would be right.

Justin Le Fort arrived at Hertford C.C. jetlagged and queasy, having jumped straight off a plane from New York. He was hoping – nay, praying – for a couple of decent partnerships so that he might recover his composure in the cool of the changing room before entering the fray at number four. Oh. dear.

At precisely 13.04pm it happened.

BOOM: The Wellington Bomber, AKA Stephen Murdoch – who, up until now, had not been dismissed on English soil – was shot down L.B.W., third ball, with the tragic loss of all runs on board.

The Hertford C.C. fielders began cavorting with all the carnal abandon one might associate with a Witches’ Sabbath. And well they might because, as the actress said to the carpenter, ‘There was more than a little wood in that one.’

But onwards and, well, not exactly upwards.

SPLISH: Circa13.11pm, midway through the second over, The Bomber’s distressed wingman Matthew Crutchlow stalls his Fairey Battle on the runway, pitching it straight into the duck pond. On the plus side, recent form suggests there were no runs on board.

So, to your Spitfire Shaun O’Brien, to your Hurricane Justin Le Fort because, gentlemen, Totteridge Millhillians C.C. needs you!

CHAPTER 2: Le Fort and La’ O’Brien counterattack...

With their backs to the wall, and their blades flashing in the sun, Justin Le Fort and Shaun La’ O’Brien took to the challenge of rebuilding the innings using an attractive combination of steel and grace.

Le Fort began by caressing two short, wide ones effortlessly to the boundary off the back foot. Imagine young a Nigel Havers channelling his inner Gower. Mmmm. Dreamy. Justin looked utterly at home, despite not being entirely sure what country he was in, whilst at the other end his partner, La’ O’Brien, was seeing the ball as if it were a wheel of his native dense and crumbly Cheshire cheese (one of the nation’s favourites!)

Unfortunately, Shaun seemed intent on creaming his cheese straight through mid-on and mid-off, rather than around or over them**. In fact, such was the regularity with which these two fieldsmen were treated to Shaun’s fromage vitesse, there was a very real danger of them both hobbling off the field with gout.

On another day, so many of La’ O’Brien’s rennet-heavy drives would have been boundaries and his 46 a ton-plus, no dramas, like. But it was not to be. Having said that, from a position of 0-2, Shaun and Justin (34) had taken TM’s to 90-2 – a nice platform to build on. Or was it?

CHAPTER 3: Meanwhile, what on earth is happening on the boundary...

Having experienced his first dismissal in a TM’s shirt, Stephen Murdoch took his place by the boundary rope, along with the rest of the team, to support Le Fort and La’ O’Brien. What The Wellington Bomber did not expect to hear as he did so was a heated debate between two teammates concerning who should rub sun cream on his fuselage.

The ‘discussion’ ended with these words from someone who, out of respect, and the fact that he usually gives me a lift to games in his lovely Jaguar motor car, I shall not name here: “Well I asked first. So if anyone’s going rub cream on Stephen, it’s going to be me!”

CHAPTER 4: And now, back to the other field of play...

“Slow and steady wins the race,” said the tortoise to the hare in Aesop’s fable. “But what the @&%$ does a tortoise know about cricket, like?” would, I suspect, have been Shaun La’ O’Brien’s reply, had old Aesop decided to include an excitable scouser in the aforementioned fable.***

As it turned out (ho ho), Hertford C.C. had a pair of bowlers who were both slow and steady enough to halt the heroic efforts of our two hares, Le Fort and La’ O’Brien. Both batsmen perished as they tried to break the shackles enforced (in the main) by these two disciplined bowlers: Justin not quite getting under a lofted straight drive sufficiently as he tried to make the most of a brief oasis of medium pace, whilst Shaun got too far under an attempt to carve his wheel of cheese over mid-off.

So, 90-4, and what now? Well, 128 all out tells you all you need to know about that, really.

Both Haris Ali Soomro (17) and Pasha Ali (14) briefly threatened to take TM’s on to a more defendable total, but fell when trying to up the tempo. The rest of the tail was not able to wag and we found ourselves unable to bat out our overs. Criminal.

Could anything be salvaged from the wreckage of the game? Would The Wellington Bomber wreak his revenge on Hertford C.C.? And just what happened to all that cheese?

Find out in the concluding chapters... (which you will now find below)

CHAPTER 5: Not for the want of trying...

We took to the field after some positive verbals from Shaun – about pride and all things like that – which seemed to do the trick. Asif (10-1-37-1) and Hassan (6.4-0-29-0) bowled a disciplined line and length with good pace and the fielding was nice and tight, like a pair of Brutus jeans:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmJ3Lo4FBQw

Er, anyway, Asif was unlucky not to find the edge on a couple of occasions and Hassan had a leading edge fall tantalisingly close to the outstretched fingers of Vishal Bhimjiyani, diving full-length at cover. It is true that their openers were no great shakes but they did manage to score 39 between them – a full 39 more than our openers and nearly a third of our total runs.

CHAPTER 6: Something’s got to give...

With TM’s desperate for a breakthrough, La’ O’Brien threw the ball to himself and made an immediate impact. Shaun got a lickle bitter movement off the seam and opening bat, C. Dew, jimmied the ball to Stephen Murdoch at second slip, who took a comfortable catch, eventually.

Then in trundled their old pro, Cavener, at number 3. You know the type: dogged, annoying, face like the rind of an ancient oak etc. Mr. Cavener also turned out to have a rather dry sense of humour and a proper Herts accent. With Vishal plying the batsmen with teasy loopers from the non-pavillion end, their remaining opener, W. Ray, became frustrated and belted one straight back for a cracking caught and bowled. Cavener, leaning on his bat, drawled laconically, “Ohw. Mazin ow yer flexes get going when yer abart yer get one in yer mush. Ohw.”

I think he meant, ‘Nice catch.’

CHAPTER 7: Why don’t you be quiet, Mr Cavener, and concentrate on getting out...

La’ O’Brien and Vishal continued to bowl well and Shaun claimed another scalp as Alex Book took a very neat catch out of the sun at deep mid-wicket. Despite the “It wasn’t me that broke it, mum, it was Jeremy” look an Alex’s face, he hadn’t stepped over the boundary when pouching the ball, although this didn’t prevent their number 4 having a bit of a grumble on his way off the field.

Having made inroads – and with Hertford fielding a very young side – it was felt that, should we fell the old oak Cavener, we might be able to strim through the lower-order saplings. So, it was back to main strike bowler Asif who, it has to be said, deserved more than the one wicket.

Asif had Bancroft, their number 5, dropped three times and also ran the lad out with a wonderful gather and direct hit in his follow through. Bancroft was out by a distance too, as he himself admitted after the game: “I wasn’t even in the frame.” The umpire clearly wasn’t even watching.

Asif did eventually have Bancroft caught by Murdoch at cover, but it was too little too late.

CHAPTER 8: That thing in your hand, lad, that’s called a bat...

Cavener, on the other hand, refused to be uprooted, remaining until the end and seeing his side home to what looks, on cyberpaper, like an easy victory – their first of the season. It wasn’t that straightforward though. Had catches been taken and a couple of the umpires’ decisions gone in our favour, the result could easily have been reversed. That said, the reason we lost is that the batsmen, O’Brien and Le Fort aside, simply didn’t do their job. It takes something special to win when you only manage to post 128; something like a shark attack:

http://www.totteridgemillhillians.com/scorecard/fixtureID_98323/3rdXI_v_HemelHempsteadIII_18-Jul-2009.aspx

* In the dressing down room, after the match, a disappointed skipper decries the fact that we roll this way. In fact, he asks all the batsmen to give him much, much more. From now on, there is to be no hiding behind the skirts of big aeroplanes, so to speak.

** I, too, never thought I would see this combination of words in a TM’s match report.

*** Literary rumour has it that in the original draft of The Tortoise and the Hare, the Hare, who was leading the race by a huge margin, did not stop for a nap but was tempted to indulge in liquid refreshment by, and here I quote the rumour verbatim, ‘a man with loose morals and even looser (sic) vowels’. Make of that what you will, like.

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Batting
128 for 10
Player Name RunsCatchesStumpingsRun outs
Stephen Murdoch Lbw  Mead 0 2
Matt Crutchlow Lbw  Slater 0
Shaun O'Brien Caught  Ruskin (Bancroft) 46
Justin Le Fort Caught  C & B Bancroft 34
Haris Ali Soomro Caught  Brazill (Slater) 17
Pasha Ali Lbw  Ruskin 14
Alex Book Caught  Brazill (Slater) 0 1
Asif Sutaria Bowled  Ruskin 7
Vishal Bhimjiyani Caught  Brazill (Bancroft) 6 1
Hassan Mahmood Lbw  Brazill 0
Stewart Wernham Not Out  0

Hertford Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
No records to display.

Hertford Batting
130 for 4
Player name Runs
C Dew Caught  O'Brien (Murdoch) 20
W Ray Caught  C & B Bhimjiyani 19
C Cavener Not Out  38
S Ruskin Caught  O'Brien (Book) 4
T Bancroft Caught  Sutaria (Murdoch) 28
E King Not Out  16
   
   
   
   
   

Totteridge Millhillians Cricket Club 1st XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Asif Sutaria10.0137137.003.70
Hassan Mahmood6.402900.004.35
Vishal Bhimjiyani7.0126126.003.71
Shaun O'Brien7.0027213.503.86
Justin Le Fort2.00700.003.50

  • Umpire :
    panel
  • Scorer :
    tbc