As any budding entrepreneur or cricketer knows, the pitch holds the key to securing a result. Misjudge it, and you might end up leaving with nothing. So, it was fortuitous that TMs had their very own Cricketing Dragon, Sarfraz ‘James Caan’ Ahmed, in charge at the business end of Saturday’s fixture against Hatfield.
Having won the toss, Rizwan ‘The Rizla’ Siddiqui opted to bat – a good idea, considering the previous two victories doing likewise.
*** Dragon Our Heels ***
It was a slow but steady start by openers Waleed Khan (11) and Matt Crutchlow (24) and the pitch, whilst looking docile, spat a couple times at the latter batsman. However, having accrued around 30 for no loss, a lapse in concentration saw Waleed chip a simple catch to mid-off, bringing in the newly-promoted Joe Askham (14) at number three.
*** Dragon On (Twice) ***
Joe, as is his want, struck the ball cleanly for a short period of time before dragging a ball that kept a mite low onto his stumps. When Haris Soomro (1) did exactly the same thing, Sarfraz ‘James Caan’ Ahmed (4) strode purposefully to the crease.
*** Enter The Dragon ***
Saf’s cricketing investment portfolio speaks for itself: a run-accruement business (currently in administration), a wicket harvesting venture that operates sporadically well, and a catch factory that does tidy business. Saf also has a entertaining sideline in novelty sports injuries – arm-wrestling sprains, a cut glass back and regular bouts of cramp, to name but three.
*** Exit The Dragon ***
So, the first ball was delivered to Saf, who rocked back and stroked it to the cover boundary in fine style. However, this was the sum total of his innings as he planted his front foot firmly in line, only for their left-armer to swing the ball back in, trapping Saf bang in front. And for that reason, Saf said to himself, I’m out.
*** The Tale Of The Rizla’s Powerful Tail ***
With their young right-arm opening bowler having reached his maximum spell, they brought on a spinner who bowled at the same pace as, I imagine, Deborah Meaden would were she forced to play cricket. He got Crutchlow out straightaway though.
Unable to handle the long wait for the first ball to arrive, and after selecting six or seven different but equally injudicious shots, Crutchlow plumped for an unattractive slog sweep employing stiff arms and straight legs (think Boris Johnson with 5-wood). Unsurprisingly, no dice. A few balls later, the divot attempted a shot that was so bad it has no name and he was caught out at gully off the back of the bat.
When Jahangir Ahmed (3) was bowled 'round his legs and Hassan ‘Nice One, Nice one’ Ali too was bowled after a brisk but important knock of 19, our knees began to buckle. But with senior pro’s, The Rizla and Nozmul ‘The Nozzle’ Hussain, at the crease, we were confident of posting something competitive. That is, we were confident until The Rizla powered a straight pull shot back toward the bowler who deflected it onto the stumps, running out The Nozzle.
Bhabi-shambles!
However, all was not lost and Waqas Memon (10) proved a worthy foil as The Rizla blocked and heaved his way to a match-changing 27. We ended up on 131 all out, which was not the end of the world, as they were probably expecting to get us for around 90. Perhaps the momentum was with TMs after all – especially with a Dragon onboard.
TEA: We had tea and it was nice.
So, we began bowling and the pitch was doing a bit. The Rizla and The Nozzle opened up with some big swingers and, after a steady start by their opening pair, we got stuck into Hatfield like they were the tuck shop and we were a fat kid.
After scores of 15 and 11 for Hatfield's two openers, there followed a run of 1, 4, 0, 8, 9, 2, as the Nozzle (7-1-30-2), The Rizla (8-2-32-3) and Ollie ‘Hulk Foot’ Ridout (7-4-21-2) chomped and guzzled their way through assorted tuck. For his first wicket, Hulk Foot produced the classic left-arm-over dismissal as the batsman shouldered arms to a ball that nipped back off the seam and nipped out his off stump.
All done and dusted then? Oh come on now, you know TMs second team better than that, don’t you?
When their big number nine chucked his car keys in the fruit bowl and came out swinging, things began to look a bit tricksy. The randy devil made a quick 33 and looked like taking this well-earned victory away from us. What to do Riz? Who to turn to when the going gets tough? No, not Billy Ocean, Riz. Not him.
*** Dragon Hide ***
Despite constant ribbing from his teammates, and a lack of runs under his belt, Cricketing Dragon Safraz ‘James Caan’ Ahmed had not lost his confidence in being able to seal a deal. And when The Rizla turned to his key man at this crucial point in the game, Saffy did not disappoint. As someone who knows all about dragons once said, “If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon”, and Saf seemed particularly tickled to have the ball in his hand as he trundled in to wobble it all over the (tuck) shop.
*** Saf The Magic Dragon ***
Our Dragon needed just 2.2 overs to take the last three wickets and bring the meeting to a satisfactory conclusion for TMs. One was caught in the outfield, whilst two were caught and bowled. Saf’s third was a particularly smart snatch off his bootlaces.
*** The Way of the Dragon ***
And so it came to pass that TMs ended up dowsing their evening meal in Reggae Reggae Sauce, whilst Hatfield left with nothing (well, 10 points and a Baby Dream Machine (http://www.babydreammachine.com).